A letter to my younger self. ____________ (originally written 2019/10, posted 2020/06)
4:20 PMIf I could ever give any advice to my younger self, it would be to finish things completely. Projects,
ideas, conversations--just do it! Say it! Don't give up! But take it slow. To breathe. Also, use more SPF.
I digress; I'm in a constant, consistent state of strong starts and empty endings. I have ideas and ways to implement, the drive to get around 3/4 the way through, but I eventually peter out. It's due to lack of energy I'm sure, and of course, lack of time.
At the cusp of a revolution. my generation is powered by a constant "go-go-go" mentality, coupled with convenience at a fingertip's touch. Gaming, video streaming and financial management, and much, much more, all on one device. For every convenience, there are distractions. While writing this before a closing shift at work, I made lunch for my girlfriend and I, pacing from my laptop to the stove. We did hamburgers, the good angus ones from Costco, one each that was browned in a skillet, served on brioche.
Distraction after distraction.
The burgers were good; I also pan-grilled some hotdogs which were very nice. I can't focus. Maybe I have ADHD?
Well...maybe?
It would honestly explain much of my pre-teen and teenage years. Much of twenties, actually. No, it would definitely explain much of my life: the inability to focus for longer periods of time without distracting myself
- hyperfocusing on a thought/joke then not being able to say anything else until saying that thing
- generally hyper focusing on a task, above other things, to the point of exhaustion
- random cleaning spurts that don't change much beyond the status quo
- list making - as a memory dump, but task that are forgotten about nonetheless
- poor short term memory - I ask the same questions (how are you today? did you find everything alright? may I have your loyalty card? did you pick that up?)
- stressed beyond belief
- operating in a mild state of panic
- lazy perfectionism - the mood isn't right!
- dyslexia with numbers, but guess what?! even when typing! Even in other languages. Catch me mixing up readings of kanji.....
- can't seem to complete tasks unless multiple other tasks are done first (can't cook dinner yet unless I wash the pan, but to do that I need to wash the dishes but before that, I need to empty the dishwasher, but before that I need to shower, but before that I need to clean the bathroom, but oh, I should've bought more bathroom cleaner, and oh, I forgot an ingredient for dinner, and oh, let's just make mac & cheese--then the cycle repeats within seconds, then Brain Overload, then I decided to just not eat until the following day.....)
- paralyzing indecisiveness - not to the levels of Chidi (The Good Place) but it's up there. Particularly with career choices. See, I can do various things. Each would make a equally fun, challenging careers....which one do I put my time and resources towards?
- Full-time influencing
- Author
- Screenwriter
- Videographer
- Tourism for Japan or SK
- Illustrator
- Singing/making music
But you ask, why not all? I could and do dabble. But the dabbling remains in draft-form. I run out of mental energy. I can't focus.
This post will now sit in my drafts for today as now it is time to get ready for a shift at work. I usually 3pm to 11pm and my partner works similar hours. I'll get home later at 11:20pm or so, rip my shoes off and collapse in my desk chair. I'll say hello to my beautiful girlfriend, who likely will have played a steady round of Fortnite, and I'll just forget about it for a few weeks (months).
What is hard is that these paths are all achievable and some I am even doing now. I do influence on Instagram. Je peux parler le francais! 日本語も話せますけど韓国語もきになります。I have scripts and story plots, aging digitally in my Documents file. Adobe CC is waiting for me, and has projects half finished, not yet rendered. I have vlogging footage on my HD, waiting to be imported. Unfinished drawings. Poetry pieces, unpublished. Even considered skilling up and applying to Vox after enjoying their journalism through informative videos on Youtube. I enjoying video editing and production. I'd enjoy making stickers to sell in an indie stationary store, somewhere in Hongdae. I could write a drama, intended for Japanese or Korean audience--not in English. I'd like to make short films; I even have loglines and storyboards, ready to go. I just can't focus.
Basically, I'm mentally fried. I'm overworked. I'm like a burnt hamburger, so burnt that it's turned to charcoal, to dust. Even this post and its flow is a representation of how I can't focus. I can barely function. I'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I can't muster the energy and time to do things, even just ONE of those things above would be ok. I can't choose which to focus on. Which one do I do?
What do I do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Future me here. Since writing this piece originally back in October, and
letting it lapse in my drafts (thus proving the entire point of this piece of writing), things have shifted. I've fallen apart, emotionally and mentally. I left my gf in the
beginning of 2020 after increasing relationship issues. I've become increasingly distracted and so much ha happened.
Only just a few days ago, I saw that I match all symptoms for ADHD and also for being on the spectrum. This answers so much--none of you have any idea! For the first time ever, I feel clarity. I feel like I'm not alone, but finally have answers for everything: for why I get so stressed from being overloaded from sounds at work (or in retrospect, why my now ex and I didn't connect in the ways we should have) and for why I wrote the words above.
This year is increasingly awful, and only now, in
June, have I decided to publish. Things still don't feel right and the world is increasingly hard to navigate but I want to become a better version of what I was--creative and positive, so please stay with me.
Also, hello, it's been a while! Thank you always for reading and as always, stay well!
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