Hello all! Happy New Year.

It's been......a while.

I haven't forgotten this blog, I swear--life (read: serious anxiety) hit me H A R D. I'm talking serious, here. So I took a lil' break.....and more time passed.



Now, life is a little different. I changed jobs (same job, different company) earlier in 2019 and while it's the same physically, the emotional trauma (yes, trauma) is no longer.  I can dedicate time to recover from the past.

I'm writing this in mid-January but a number of semi-finished posts have been sitting in my this post has been in my drafts. I am going to post them now as I have finally have the mental energy to to exist (I'm not kidding).

A lot of unhappy shit happened around Xmas--emotions had been festering throughout the year but shit hit the fan around holiday season. I decided to part ways with my now girlfriend and moved out, about a week ago now. I didn't mention her much on here but my prior bf came out as trans about 1.5 years ago and I stayed. I saw the female side her even before she was out and I was drawn to that. The more "male" side of her personality came out.

Things were ok for the most part. A lot of attention was placed on all the trans stuff, but looking at it now, she needed to undergo therapy BEFORE transitioning, to help soothe past trauma and prepare herself mentally and emotionally for (the right) hormones.

As the days crept by, I realised that all my time was spent catering to her.  I didn't feel like I had a place in the room, so I cowered. even hiding away in the bedroom when she played video games and got mad when she lost a match. I purposely went out to the shops for alone time or worked extra days. Despite living together, we ran separate lives at times. She'd go in "maintenance mode" which seemed like an excuse to zone out on video games but she later justified it to be that her angry "male" testosterone side came out, the one who likes to hurt people (herself, mostly) and get mad.

Creatively, I suffered. I had plans to expand, to make art. To be. To create. Towards the end of the year, I ended up posting one a week on my IG and distanced myself from friends. I was lonely. I did get to a dark place a few times. I was scared. I wanted to go away.

Emotionally, I wasn't placing any importance on myself--all her needs came first. I felt neglected and every time I tried to express that, we'd fight. She'd throw emotional fits and seem to forget about it. She'd hit herself when it got really bad, which happened every few days. There was one day she hit her forehead (her temple?) but near her ear so hard that she temporarily lost her hearing for a few days. I avoided talking about certain things (sharing chores, sharing the TV, bills, planning things, spending time together) in case I started a fight or made her go into that....mode.

Basically, it was f*cked up. She wasn't a bad person per se but had unhealthy coping mechanisms that manifested some nasty behaviour. Really, we just grew differently and wanted opposite things. It was long overdue for me to leave.

After a sharp wake-up call throughout Christmas Day, some things happened that helped strongly motivate me to pack my stuff. I got rid of some stuff on the quiet but made arrangements. Later, about half an hour to the new decade on New Year's Eve, she started a fight that started as her quarter life crisis but should've prompted me to call the cops. I was done. I was able to coordinate moving while she was at work a few days later. It was a shock but I had to do that.

As I type this, my neck is feeling tight and my body is stiffening. It's still impacting me. I want to forget.  I recognize that I need therapy. I'm afraid of being in a relationship right now. 

I'm free now. I moved. I can't go lower, only up and out.

This is the best thing 2020 could give me and I am eternally grateful.



Rest well, and good night!